Sometimes I like to surprise myself

Go see live music (it's not me...this time)

2008-08-04T16:01:00.005-04:00

Show up at 9 and buy the band a drink. Molly Brannigan's is on W. Liberty Ave. in Dormont/Mt. Lebanon. August 9th is Saturday. Be there — no excuses!

Important announcements, political and literary

2008-06-23T21:57:00.002-04:00

Also, Ophelia Street, an important new (and America's Favourite) magazine is available online at www.opheliastreet.com. Check it out. Submit if you're inclined.

A lesson learned it time

2008-05-13T14:42:00.004-04:00

The three-seconds of silence followed by a soft, "Wow," told me this came as a surprise. I understood, I had felt that blow before: the shockwave of disbelief and denial. It wasn't a surprise attack, if you think about it. It was more like a jack-in-the-box, slowly building, tension rising, wheels grinding for eight years. Now it's over, this fool has sprung.

I've been unhappy for a while. I don't think it was unknown, though it was never discussed outright. It was an understood grievance. I had been unhappy before. It wasn't eight solid years, after all; it was definitely on-again, off-again. I'd leave you for a while, but everyone knew it wasn't for real: I never thought it was for real. I think I knew each time that I would go back, back to the comfort of safety, security and a sense of belonging. I liked knowing that I wouldn't be unwanted unless I was really stupid. And I'm not that stupid.

I've expected the flurry of phone calls during the past 24 hours. I've expected the questions. "When did you decide this?" "Is there anything I can do to change your mind?" "Was there something else I could have done? Even four or five months ago?" "What are you going to do now?"

I decided this yesterday, but I think I've felt this in my heart for a long time. Honestly, I've kind of been looking around on the side. Nothing serious, of course, although that I was looking told me something was wrong.

But I was scared of the unsure, of the unknown. Life on my own was intimidating at best. Perhaps I held on so long because I didn't know what to do when I let go. I still don't, but I know that I finally have to let go. Now my heart and my mind and my courage are aligned, and I realize I have the strength to go on. More immediately, I have the wisdom to realize I must go on.

Where I'll go, I don't know — and that's frightening, as well — but I'm looking forward to the journey. I need to grow as a person, and I couldn't do that until now. I'm not saying I'm better. I'm saying I deserve better, and you deserve someone more dedicated and true.

I can't say I'm sorry it worked out this way, because I'm not. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I haven't felt this free in a long time. The albatross has flown, the bonds have broken, and a sense of clarity and purpose fills my thoughts.

I am happy it's ended this way — civil, with respect, polite — and not in the flare of fury that was tempting at times. It could have been much worse; I'm sure I could have said many things I'd regret. But it's going well, considering, and I'm glad.

I know I'll get phone calls still, and I know I'll get them less and less until I don't get anymore. And I know I'll think back on the good times and the horrible times, and I know they will blur into a gray that will continually fade. But I know this was the right decision for me and, therefore, the only thing fair to do.

Goodbye, Pizza Hut.
(5/10/2000 - 5/26/2008)

Trinity Meth daycare

2008-04-06T21:05:00.005-04:00

Yeah, I really saw a sign advertising that day care. Are Methodists really that much better than meth addicts, anyway?

Probably.

In sports tonight, seven 40-ounce bottles of King Cobra met for tea and discussed the early comedic stylings of door handles. No wine was harmed.

Twin rhinos were seen ordering pizza from a phone booth on Sunday. The phone booth promised delivery in 30 minutes or less. "Less," the rhinos replied in unison. "Jinglejanglechangclink," the phone booth replied in quarters.

The end. For now. So not the end. The pause. There, that's better. And now ...

Get out

2008-01-12T13:16:00.001-05:00

Seán returns to the stage

2007-11-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

(White) Russians are coming, (white) Russians are coming!

2007-11-19T00:17:00.000-05:00

Many of you have tried it before. Now order your own.

Easily amused

2007-10-03T04:04:00.000-04:00

Some irony from CNN's front page.

"Ticker: Senator hospitalized with heart condition"

I hope the dude's all right. But, come on, the headline was funny.

My shame

2007-09-26T11:10:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure which bothers me more.

The karaoke machine at the bar had damn and ass asterisked for Wheatus' "Teenage Dirtbag," but it also had gun asterisked.
The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" lyrics were listed as "I don't care if Monday's black,
Tuesday Wednesday care at all" instead of "Tuesday Wednesday heart attack."
That I was in a bar during karaoke. (In my defense, they had $2 pumpkin ale).

Thanks, Adobe

2007-09-19T21:18:00.001-04:00

Thank god for FOX News

2007-09-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

While flipping through 70 channels of drivel the other afternoon, I passed FOX News, which had a graphic on the screen. The graphic said that 20% of obese children have iron deficiency.
Nevermind the fact they're obese. We just need to slip some spinach and beets into their happy meals.

"That's why we're escaping
So we won't have to die
We won't have to deny
Our dirty god
Our dirty bodies"
— The Thermals, "Pilar of Salt"

I <3 Pittsburgh

2007-08-23T14:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been back in Pennsylvania for almost two months now. It's funny, but I wrote and recorded the following song after I came home to Pittsburgh. Enjoy. Leave comments. Raise hell.
Take Me Home to Pittsburgh

If you like it a lot, you can download the ringtone for free. Well, at least I don't charge you for it. Your cell phone company might.

Also, if you want to spice up your cell phone even more, "Excuse Me" is available as a ringtone.

Now wheeeeeere ... is my clucking car?

2007-07-17T12:11:00.001-04:00

Miniature Cock Poses Challenge to Giant Eagle Operations
By CELESTE PIETRUSZA
Special to Sometimes I Like to Surprise Myself

This Wednesday, James Q. Chicken began his one rooster protest against the alleged discriminatory practices of the Giant Eagle Corp. At the crack of dawn, Mr. Chicken began his slow walk across the parking lot.

"I saw him, right there, between the cars, just as I was finishing up my shift," said Billy, a stockboy who refused to give his last name for fear of retaliation by his employers.

Shoppers, too, were surprised to see Mr. Chicken slowly working his way between the cars. One area mother, Sandy Dunkin, was in tears after nearly hitting Mr. Chicken with the front bumper of her SUV.

"This is really going to affect what I buy at the store today. I can't pick up a Perdue chicken after this — what would my kids think? They're too young to be exposed to this, to know that chicken comes from dead animals. The management really needs to do something about this or I'll be shopping elsewhere."

When asked as to the presumed efficacy of his tactics, Mr. Chicken, a PETA member best known for his outlandish performance art piece 'The Most Chicken Chicken,' replied: "It's a statement, you know, a play on the old joke, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' I've already had people come up to me and say, 'Why are you crossing a parking lot?' This gives me a chance to speak out in a nonconfrontational way, to really educate the public as to what goes on behind those big red doors. I mean, really, it's not every day you see a rooster in a parking lot."

Headline, caption contest

2007-07-11T11:44:00.000-04:00

Winner of each (headline and caption) gets a custom mix-CD, and I'll buy you a drink if you live close enough.
Submissions will be accepted through comments or e-mail.
All I can say about the picture is it took me moving from Indiana to Pennsylvania to see this. Go figure.

1373 days later...

2007-07-01T01:36:00.000-04:00

Twenty-three months to the day after arriving in Indiana, I will leave it.
I'll be staying with my parents for a while. If anyone's inclined, it'd be cool to hang out and catch up.
My phone number hasn't changed, either.
Here's some music from Indiana:
Excuse Me
Dave's Matching Blanket and Shirt

Twin Peaks Files

2007-06-13T04:48:00.000-04:00

In the X-Files' season-three episode "Redmption," Kenneth Welsh plays a servant of the devil. In Twin Peaks, he plays the near-demonic ex-F.B.I. agent Windom Earle.
In "Redemption," a character with "visionary" insight loses said insight because his dose of haloperidol has been increased.
In Twin Peaks, haloperidol is used by Phillip Gerard; only when denied it can he become his true self, Mike of the Lodges, and point to Laura's killer.
Though possibly coincidental, I think it's interesting that haloperidol comes into play in the X-Files episode with another Twin Peaks character.
FWIW: Season Three of X-Files also features Roger Cross, who plays Curtis Manning on "24." He's also in three other X-Files episodes.

As cool as Steve Holt

2007-06-12T04:26:00.001-04:00

"So, uh ... you want to grab a curtain rod and go over to my place?"

And speaking of now-defunct TV shows, how 'bout that "Sopranos" finale?

Ferris Wheel on Fire

2007-06-11T00:47:00.000-04:00

I told my brother I'd send him this song, but I like it enough to share with other Neutral Milk Hotel fans who might not have heard it. It's live, and I'm not sure if a recorded version exists or not.
Neutral Milk Hotel — Ferris Wheel on Fire

Who's been rewriting my cheese?

2007-05-14T23:49:00.000-04:00

"Over the last 12 years, Ms. Marks has risen faster than a pizza crust through the ranks of the Pizza Hut restaurant chain."
www.restaurantschools.com

Apparently I was misinformed. I thought, from what Ms. Marks told me, she rose quickly through the ranks of Pizza Hut (the restaurant chain).

I compared it to pizza dough rising.

The pizza crust was what rose through the chain — Ms. Marks just rose faster (and to god-only-knows-where).

And "During the last..." would be better than "Over."

Dot com bust

2007-05-11T02:20:00.000-04:00

(Southern) Indiana's cable provider is Insight Communications. Recently, it unveiled new broadband and digital cable services.
Its commercial announcing the new services refers to Broadband 10.0 and Digital Cable 2.0 as "Broadband ten-dot-o" and "Digital Cable two-dot-o."
In case anyone else forgot, the capital city of Missouri is Jefferson City.

Where everybody knows your name

2007-05-08T00:47:00.000-04:00

The Indianapolis TV market has an interesting occurrence during the week from 12:30-1 a.m.
Between three TV stations, one has the option of watching Ted Danson and Kelsey Grammar on "Cheers," Ted Danson on "Becker" or Kelsey Grammar on "Frasier."
AMC needs to get "White Men Can't Jump" back on its rotation so the fourth "Cheers"-related TV-viewing experience can shift the sands of time sideways and hurl us all into an alternate universe where everybody sounds like Cliff but looks like Norm.
And to think, I almost missed all of this because of the glory and the power of Benny Hinn's "Historic Singapore Crusade."

Naturalization process becoming endurance test?

2007-05-01T15:26:00.000-04:00

Immigrants march across U.S. was the main headline on CNN.com's home page this afternoon.
When you click through, the headline changes to something a little less extraordinary.
Irregardlesslynessless, any immigrant who traverses the continental United States from ocean to shining ocean should get a 10-point bonus on the citizenship test.

Getting pissed and pissed off

2007-02-17T11:28:00.000-05:00

You're a guy, a dude, a man. You've been out imbibing with your buddies, just chillin' with your chums, hangin' with your homies, getting pissed with your pals. The night is winding down, last call was an hour ago, and you head to the bathroom, hoping to avoid the awkwardness of trying to piss into an empty Diet Dr. Pepper can in your car on the way home.

You step up to the urinal, ready to release, feeling the flow, when you hear a woman's flirty voice: "Hey, big guy. Having a few drinks?"

Bewildered, you look around, glancing from side to side. You seem to be alone; not a soul is in the bathroom. You think, "WTF?" You reply to yourself, "IDK."

The woman's voice continues, slightly more stern: "Think you've had too many? Then it's time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home."

Who is this bitch? Where does she get off? WTF?

If this scenario sounds familiar, you must have been a guy drinking in New Mexico, where the state recently paid $21 each for about 500 talking urinal-deodorizer cakes equipped with motion-sensitive plastic devices. The talking toilet cakes, according to the Associated Press, "are in men's rooms in bars and restaurants across the state."

The message ends, as you stand there, scared pissless, holding your now-unpeeing manhood, "Remember, your future is in your hand."

Journalist decries profession

2007-01-31T13:57:00.000-05:00

"Journalism is dead. I'm going to start selling time-shares."
— from an e-mail from Bill Toland

In other journalism news, I've been talking with people.

So I've got that going for me. Which is nice. Maybe Mr. Schneider or Mr. Barnes can go in on a time-share with me. Any others interested? We could get some right beside Atom Heart Put-put or Another Put-put in the Wall.

Christmas came early

2007-01-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

That's right, Monkey Corner Records is happy to annouce "Catching the Ghosts" is available on emusic and iTunes. Although the iTunes release was originally slated for March, Satan cashed our souls in early and pushed up the release. Check them out, feel free to purchase. And while you're at the iTunes store, don't forget to check out Truth in Advertising's album, Inconsequential Background Music.

In other Monkey Corner Industries news, the Pittsburgh Monologue Project is having a Best of the Pittsburgh Monologue Project show at Duquesne University Feb. 2 and 3. Both shows begin at 8 p.m.

According to official PMP sources, "This is a compilation of our favorite pieces from every show we've done and all the monologues in our arsenal. We think it's going to be a great show. So ... if you see only one Pittsburgh Monologue show thi syear, this should be it."

Personally, if you see only one PMP show this year, you should be ashamed (unless you live in Indiana)

Where: Duquesne University — Rockwell Hall

When: Fridiay, Feb. 2, and Saturday, Feb. 3. Both shows at 8 p.m.

How much: It's FREE